cancellation

Yesterday, I had to turn down a gig.

This was the weirdest feeling - I don't think I've ever done it before.

I've only ever had to cancel a gig due to illness ONCE in my life. I've got out of hospital and played a gig the next day. But other than that, I've always done my best to play every single gig I've ever been offered, and if it had to be turned down, it's always been someone else's decision, not mine.

So about a month ago, we were talking about playing a gig on the 16th. Originally, we'd planned to take the month of December off, due to my move, and Xmas schedules and all that. The gig was on, then it was off. Now it looks like it's back on again.

We haven't rehearsed in weeks. And to be honest, the last time we rehearsed, it was late and we were drunk tired and emotional, and we didn't sound so great. I don't want us to go onstage sounding "punk rock". That's not the kind of band we are. I wanted us to be a reaction *against* that kind of useless girlpunk type thing. I wanted us to be about *perfection* - slick, sophisticated, technically competent - as well as sheer girly joy.

Add to that, I'm totally stressed out. Moving has become unneccessarily complicated. A gig would be just one more thing to stress out about, and I would be such a mess I doubt I'd enjoy it - and I'd probably make it miserable for everyone else if I was in a Mood and being a diva.

I don't know why I'm making such a big deal out of this. We'll play more gigs next year. I just feel strangely guilty, because I've never done this before.