The Snake Sheds Its Skin

I had a rubbish night on Friday night. OK, so that's not such a big deal. I was expecting to have a FANASTIC!!! time, it being my Last Weekend Of Freedom and all. But the combination of the club (I hate Bar Academy) and the heat and the awful, awful people (F*cks who tried to get in a fight with me. Usually I know I'm aggressive when I've been drinking, but these idiots were all Punque Roque and actually started shouting things like "Let's see if we can get her to punch this guy" grrrr, argh.) just made it all go wrong. And I've been left feeling very out of sorts.

At first I thought I was pining over the Semi-Unrequited Crush. But no. He turned up late, was a bit out of sorts himself, gave me a big congratulatory hug and a bottle of champagne. We went off to drink at Emsk' house and I was a bit relieved he didn't come with us. Because I *was* feeling out of sorts.

But then I messaged him and said "I should be really excited, this should be the greatest thing ever. Why do I feel so sad... almost grief?"

And that's it. The feeling is still with me two days later. I walked into Club Hedonistic and the first people I saw were all people from my Old Life. Lollies people. Stephen started in with the gossip and it was all about the BJM and the Dandy Warhols, and I was so out of touch, it took me a few moments to realise who they were talking about.

I don't like rock stars and gigs and clubs any more. I find that I just don't particularly care. Lately, I've been more excited about Psychogeographical Walking Tours and Dr. Who and Hyper-Dimensional Data Cubes than any albums or gigs or bands. My life has just changed, I've outgrown the old life. Outgrown former friends and that makes me sad, but it's just part of life.

The past year has been so hard, it's been so painful. But now I'm realising that it has been so because I'm like a snake that is shedding its skin, a catapillar coming out of its coccoon and I'm not really sure what kind of animal I've turned into.

I talked to Emma quite a bit about music, and that was exciting. She played me a couple of CDs - I really liked The Postal Service, who she said was what Shimura Curves were like. That was nice. I liked them a lot. Tweelectronica. But I also felt a bit like I was letting her down. Like she was so excited and so supportive of my music, that it was almost like she *expected* me to do something with it. When all I really want is to carry on doing it when I feel like doing it. I don't want it to become something "proper" and a hassle and Not Fun.