Disconnection

Feeling a bit shattered this morning. Rehearsal last night started late, so it ended late, and I didn't get home until midnight, having drunk a bit too much pink wine and feeling tired and out of sorts. My laptop is still not back from the shop so we were a bit acoustic which was a bit of a disaster for me (except for the bits where I suddenly decided I was in Sigur Ros and started playing the guitar with a violin bow).

AMP was talking about how she'd been up for four days writing and not leaving the house, and she was starting to feel very disconnected from her own body. Anna laughed and quoted (I think it was Anna? Wine and tiredness fuzz the memory when you can no longer remember which of your bandmates said what) a quote about writers and artists becoming so disconnected from their bodies that they start to treat their bodies like a soccer mom station wagon to ferry their minds around.

I don't just feel disconnected from my own body lately. (Why would I want to be connected to my own body? It just hurts constantly, arthritis starting in my ankles and my bad knee making it hell to go down stairs.) I've started to feel a bit disconnected from the people around me. It's hard to talk to people. It's hard to interact, to feel that spark of connection when minds align. I feel a bit like an insect, trapped behind the glass of exhaustion, synapses firing, but not picking anything up. Even among my friends, I feel like a bit of a burden, like people have to carry my silent or whinging self because I can't properly communicate, either data in or data out. Just a missed connection, a faulty line.