Shimura Curves

Friday, November 11, 2005

Let Somebody Down

I'm a big fat stresspig lately. I came home last night at about 9.30 after a long day of workaholism and getting into stupid fights on the interweb and just burst into tears.

I'm stressing out, I'm letting everyone down, most of all myself. I volunteered to help out Dare and ACB with their solo albums, and just haven't had the time because work is so busy, and work being so busy means I've still not shaken the lurgy, which only makes me less focused and spinning my wheels and not really getting anything done at work and I'm getting drawn into fights and flamewars because I can't seem to just ignore crap. And it goes around in a big circle of awfulness until I'm crying and I can't stop and I can't sleep.

I don't even know what I'm crying about, I just feel so stressed out and wound up. Part of this is chemical, it's the down part of my cycle and that makes everything seem much worse than it is. Part of this is the hellish stress of buying a house and everything that goes wrong and feeling like you're trapped in this form-filling Kafkaesque hell of beaurocracy and Financial Institutions's random decisions. (My mortgage offer finally came through after a week of stress and indecision but somehow that doesn't make me any more comfortable, it just makes me wonder that the next jump I have to hoop through.)

And part of it is just feeling like I don't have an ounce of control over much of my life. I don't have a home right now, I don't even feel like I have a lair to crawl back to. And getting a new house... it's such a huge, overwhelming decision and now The Fear, The Fear is kicking in, like, is this really what *I* want to do, and not just another thing that my mum is pushing me into? 20 years of paying a mortgage... well, locked into 3 years before I can even sell the place. 3 years mortgage, 3 years of full time job, locked into being a responsible grownup for the rest of my life. I'm terrified.

...but when it's finally all happened, and I've finally moved in, then it will be MY HOUSE, my own bloody space, control of my own bloody life back.

So try to focus on that, and keep your eyes on the prize, and stop taking out your stress on assholes on the interweb, because there will always be assholes on the interweb. It doesn't make you feel better - even if it does give you a focus for the stress - it just winds you up and makes you feel worse.


At 1:11 PM GMT, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Chinese Fortune Cookie Time

Sometimes the only way to hold on is to let go...To let things happen rather than try to drive them

The attempt to control everything can become like mickey mouse as the sorcerer's apprentice in fantasia, with more and more things urgently demanding your attention.

Why not see if you can try to get through things calmly, seeing it as a interesting challenge to act with good grace.

Mr Asshole on the Internet

At 3:22 PM GMT, Blogger Masonic Boom said...

Thanks for sharing.

Next time have the bollocks to actually sign your name, Asshole.

At 4:52 PM GMT, Anonymous Anonymous said...


Well, as a buddhist "I" don't see "myself" as having a core enduring personality so a name is a bit pointless.

At 5:49 PM GMT, Blogger Catty said...

So is your blather.


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