This has nothing to do with music whatsoever, I apologise. Please skip it if you actually want to read about Shimura Curves and not about me whinging about my (lack of a) love life.
So the other day I was trying to figure out if I was "In Love". I suppose because really, I feel like I can't even write songs unless I'm either In Love or Have A Broken Heart. I still think up songs, they still percolate up through my head, especially when I'm walking quickly through quiet countryside. They still press themselves into my ears. I just don't bother writing them down or demoing them unless I feel I have Something I Want To Say to a Specific Someone.
But the irony being, when I've actually been In Proper Relationships, often my urge to write songs at all completely disappears.
And then there was a whole thread on ILX about The Joys Of Being Single, and for the most part, I realised that I was quite happy to enjoy the freedom of Being Single. Not so much sexual freedom (pretty much celibate at the moment, bah humbug) as just the freedom to do and feel what I like when I like. Little things like leaving the pub when I feel like it. Not being hassled about stupid stuff. And I suddenly realised that there was a part of me that didn't want To Be In Love.
Because Being In Love, to me, usually means that you value someone else so highly that you put their happiness as being more important than your own. And in retrospect, that's really quite rubbish. Because it's never been mutual.
So I guess that puts me in the odd spot of Being In Love, but not wanting to Be In A Relationship. (Or am I even that? I don't even know. Perhaps I'm just obsessed with someone for the simple reason that I can't have him, and were we to ever just sit down and say "Right then, let's just shag" it might evaporate.)
I keep telling people that what I really want is some sort of "Friends With Benefits" scenario. But I specifically want it with him. Possibly because he's the only person I know that I actually *trust* enough to consider something so delicate.
Oh god, I should just shut up. All this Carrie Bradshaw crap will Go Away when I get laid again. But what does it matter? It's my blog and I'll whinge if I want to. It's not like anyone ever reads it anyway.