This is the post where I say...
First day back at work and I'm exhausted and ill and have spent half the day catching up, and the second half of the day in a meeting about things I don't remember from last week ("so how far have you got?" Errr... actually, I've been off for three days, I haven't done anything.)
After reading Tom's review, I don't feel quite as shit about the gig as I did on the night, because I get the feeling that as awful as it was, it seems like what we were trying to get across got through. Though I wonder if someone who didn't know me/us/our tastes so well would have "got it" the same way?
The sound was absolutely terrible. For the first two songs, my laptop kept cutting in and out. Because I didn't put my guitar pedals away between soundcheck and stagetime (trying to save changeover time) all the settings got messed up and it was half a set before I had them back to normal. I know that it's stupid technical problems, but it just makes *me* feel incompetent. And once you lose your confidence onstage, it's very hard to get it back. I've got good at faking it, and appearing to be having a good time, and putting on a decent performance when really I just feel like pulling a total Cat Power and just saying "fuck this, it isn't working, can we do something else?" I felt under so much pressure because so many people I knew were there and the only thing worse than failing in front of strangers is failing in front of friends.
What's wrong with me? Why am I not enjoying the band lately? To be honest, the work to fun ratio has gone way down. I feel like it's loads of time spent organising and stressing to the point where there's so much stress and pressure I've forgotten what's good about it. I'm sick of feeling like The Bad Guy and/or people's mom or boss for asking people to turn up to rehearsals and soundchecks on time. (Don't shout at me for saying that - it's how I *feel*.) I'm sick of rehearsals and especially soundchecks that don't even *start* on time. Maybe I've spent too long working in the corporate world but poor organisation on that level winds me up and stresses me out.
I'm sick of feeling stressed out. I thought this was supposed to be what I do for fun, to kick back and relax when my job stresses me out. But it's starting to get that "another job I don't get paid for" feeling to it again. Maybe a band meeting and reorganisation/restructure of responsibilities will help. Maybe the meds will help. I've been given yet another counseller who I meet tomorrow, but I've not got high hopes. Therapy is a load of bullcrap; how many different ways are there to say "I have anger issues because I hate
Oh well. I will try to end this post with some positive thoughts. I really like my new haircut. I've got tabby cat stripes in topaz sort of colours and I feel very happy being blonde again. I really like my new clothes, pink paisley Liberty print shirts and preppy tweed. I love having Percy back, pornography and demo CDs on demand.
Which reminds me. Looks like Magnus is going to be released on a compilation. And so it begins...