Shimura Curves

Tuesday, July 12, 2005


|_1z D@p1y|\|, I miss you. I'm writing about you here because I don't know what else to do. Not knowing is the worst feeling. I can't imagine how Rob, how your sister, how your family must be feeling.

I just feel a sick hollow thud inside me every time I read your name in the paper, every time someone mentions you on the internet board we met through. In the pub last night, we were discussing a conversation I'd once had... and suddenly I remembered it had taken place in your kitchen and conversation just... stopped. I mentioned the new Ravonettes single, and how I played it the last time I DJ'ed, and then started crying because I remembered it was you that requested it.

I am forcing myself to talk about you in the present tense, even though we all fear the worst.

When I had a cancer scare last year, the day before my biopsy, you took me out to dinner, and you gave me a can of "Longevity" brand condensed milk. This is stupid, but I've kept it ever since - I got it out again on Thursday night, just to stare at it, hold it, and think of your kindness. You made me the most amazing cake for my birthday. You always twist my arm to get another pint, or another bottle of Blossom Hill down the pub, even when I'm too broke to reciprocate. You're always up for our urban rambles, even when we walk too fast for you.

Not knowing is the worst part, suspended between hope and grief, not knowing what to think, how to feel, utterly powerless. I am thinking of you. It's all I can do.


At 9:24 PM GMT, Blogger Andrew Farrell said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At 9:30 PM GMT, Blogger Andrew Farrell said...

When some of the people on the message board were talking about making a thread for all the well-wishes, I was getting a bit snippy, because I've never seen the point of public messages that say "we hope you're alright" and not much else. I was going to say that you might as well bake a cake. And then I stopped and erased the message, because I remembered that done with love, baking a cake can be the most amazingly brilliant thing anyone can do.

At 7:58 AM GMT, Blogger Masonic Boom said...

If I could bake, I would make an Experimintal Birthday Cake right now.

This is my private message. I mean, who the f*ck reads my blog? It's just here for my private thoughts. My sentiment is "better out than in". I find it difficult when people don't talk at all, like they're trying to ERASE the bad thing. I *have* to talk, I can't shut up.

I think it's just better here than ranting on ILX.

At 8:59 PM GMT, Blogger Andrew Farrell said...

No no, that wasn't a go at you at all! I thought this was great.

At 7:47 AM GMT, Blogger Masonic Boom said...

Oh, sorry. I wasn't really having a go, just trying to explain. I've been a bit on edge lately.

At 11:00 PM GMT, Blogger Catty said...

Just saw her name in the paper today. I'm sorry.


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